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Joke Thread
- Thread starter givemfitz
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givemfitz
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A woman waited and waited in the long checkout line at her local drugstore. When she was finally being checked out, one of her items had no price tag.
To her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "Price check on lane thirteen, Tampax supersize."
But, worse, the clerk at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" and thought it was "thumbtacks."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "You mean the kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
To her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "Price check on lane thirteen, Tampax supersize."
But, worse, the clerk at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" and thought it was "thumbtacks."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "You mean the kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
givemfitz
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Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
givemfitz
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An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An engineer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think they liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An engineer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think they liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
givemfitz
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One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," Dubya asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises.
Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play."
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," Dubya asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises.
Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play."
givemfitz
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Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I Had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, So I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a pretty good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.
However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I Had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, So I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a pretty good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.
However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
givemfitz
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Bush's Psalm
"Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want. He leadeth me beside the still factories, He maketh me to lie down on park benches, He restoreth my doubts about the Republican party, He guideth me onto the paths of unemployment for the party's sake. I do fear the evildoers, for thou talkst about them constantly. Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy deficit spending They do discomfort me. Thou anointeth me with never-ending debt, And my savings and assets shall soon be gone. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me, And my jobless children shall dwell in my basement for all of my days."
"Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want. He leadeth me beside the still factories, He maketh me to lie down on park benches, He restoreth my doubts about the Republican party, He guideth me onto the paths of unemployment for the party's sake. I do fear the evildoers, for thou talkst about them constantly. Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy deficit spending They do discomfort me. Thou anointeth me with never-ending debt, And my savings and assets shall soon be gone. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me, And my jobless children shall dwell in my basement for all of my days."
AmelieMellow
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haha!!! how did you find these auctions? i LOVE the wedding dress auction. dammmmnnnnnn :lol:
givemfitz
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The wedding dress guy is funny but I actually had tears in my eyes and a sideache over the router table. :lol:
Sometimes I'm given cause to truly appreciate my job. I've neer been asked to consider the cost of anything. I know there are people in management that are supposed to worry about such things but I don't think that they do either.
Sometimes I'm given cause to truly appreciate my job. I've neer been asked to consider the cost of anything. I know there are people in management that are supposed to worry about such things but I don't think that they do either.
givemfitz
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My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for Feb. and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge... the balance had been $0.00 ... now it is somewhere around $60.00 I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections..."
Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: So what will they do when they find out she is dead?
Bank: Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau ... maybe both!
Me: Do you think God will be mad at her????
Bank: ...EXCUSE ME ....?
Me: Did you just get what I was telling you... the part about her being dead?
Bank: Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!!
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.
Bank: The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.
Me: You mean you want to collect from her estate?
Bank ... long pause .... stammer
Bank: Are you her lawyer??
Me: No, I'm her great nephew. (lawyer info given...)
Bank: Could you fax us a certificate of death ??
Me: Sure (Fax number is given)
After the fax...........
Bank: Our system just isn't set up for death...
Me: Oh...
Bank: I don't know what more I can do to help....
Me: Well, if you figure it out, GREAT !!! If not, you could just keep billing her, I suppose.... don't think she would really care ....
Bank: Well... the late fees and charges do still apply!
Me: Would you like her new billing address
Bank: That might help
Me: Odessa Memorial Cemetery ####Hwy. 129 and plot number given
Bank: SIR, that's a CEMETERY !!!!!!!!
Me: What do you do with dead people on your planet???
Bank: CLICK
Me: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections..."
Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: So what will they do when they find out she is dead?
Bank: Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau ... maybe both!
Me: Do you think God will be mad at her????
Bank: ...EXCUSE ME ....?
Me: Did you just get what I was telling you... the part about her being dead?
Bank: Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!!
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.
Bank: The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.
Me: You mean you want to collect from her estate?
Bank ... long pause .... stammer
Bank: Are you her lawyer??
Me: No, I'm her great nephew. (lawyer info given...)
Bank: Could you fax us a certificate of death ??
Me: Sure (Fax number is given)
After the fax...........
Bank: Our system just isn't set up for death...
Me: Oh...
Bank: I don't know what more I can do to help....
Me: Well, if you figure it out, GREAT !!! If not, you could just keep billing her, I suppose.... don't think she would really care ....
Bank: Well... the late fees and charges do still apply!
Me: Would you like her new billing address
Bank: That might help
Me: Odessa Memorial Cemetery ####Hwy. 129 and plot number given
Bank: SIR, that's a CEMETERY !!!!!!!!
Me: What do you do with dead people on your planet???
Bank: CLICK
givemfitz
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Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
Ok Computer
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Haha! That was cute givemfitz. :lol:
givemfitz
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
givemfitz
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George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
Ok Computer
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HAHA! Those are hilarious!
dascoot
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Much has been said about "tough love" for misbehaving children.
Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so my spouse and I have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of "those moments."
One that we found very effective is for me just take the child for a car ride and talk.
They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together.
I've included the photo below of one of my sessions, with our son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Its very effective!
Click here to view. [Safe link, I swear, it's to Sparedollar who does my image hosting for eBay. ~Melissa]
Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so my spouse and I have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of "those moments."
One that we found very effective is for me just take the child for a car ride and talk.
They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together.
I've included the photo below of one of my sessions, with our son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Its very effective!
Click here to view. [Safe link, I swear, it's to Sparedollar who does my image hosting for eBay. ~Melissa]
dascoot
expat
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It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
