Stuff Kids Say

givemfitz

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So I've mentioned Dylan a few Times. He's three and getting kinda bratty these days. But I still love him to death and probably spoil him just a bit.

Anyway he's gotten into this habit of telling me I can't do or say things. Whatever I'm doing he'll say "You can't do that." If I look at him he says, "You can't look at me." If I tell him something he'll say, "You can't talk to me." If I go to the bathroom.....you get the idea.

Today I'd had about enough of that and told him that it isn't his place to tell me what I can and can't do because he's the kid and I'm the adult. I closed with I don't like it and it kinda hurts my feelings to which his response was, "Too bad for you."
Now I'm getting annoyed and I counter with,"How about if I just snatch you up by one arm and start swating your ass until I get tired?"

His response? :huh: "Too bad for me."

:lol: :lol: :lol:
 

givemfitz

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Off The Net

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. So, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, " Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have a change of clothes for him." Then I said, "Danny are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "NO," he replied. I just KNEW he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
 

Enyone

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:lol: :lol: :lol: My half brother did somehting like that once.. My stepmom would have to ''wipe'' him like up until he was 5 or so. so one time at a bbq when we were little of course.. he comes out of the bathroom.. and spreads his cheeks and says ''mom will you wipe me?''

So my little cousin who is 2 is the most gosh darn funniest kid i have ever meT!! She was playing with a little girl that we sometimes watch/ And they were laughing and chasing eachother and what not. Well Rain, the little girl, her pants started ot come down as she was running away from Flora and she jumped on the couch and kinda tripped cos of her pants. And so her butt is all exposed and Flora runs over there and She starts spanking her and says "'Bad girl Bad girl'' oh my god it was hilarious!!

Then today my mom told her ''Let's take a bath'' and she said ''no'' and my mom was like ''come on you be a good girl'' and Flora points to her and says ''I said no'' so funny!!
 

leone

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Originally posted by givemfitz@Jul 6 2005, 08:56 PM
His response? :huh: "Too bad for me."
:lol: :wub:


Not exactly a true story but...

A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”
 

givemfitz

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Another one off the net

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
 

givemfitz

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Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him
Heather, 16
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes.
Randy, 9
Don't squat with your spurs on:
Noronha, 13
Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to:
Emily, 10
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Taylia, 11
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
Traci, 14
Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers.
Mitchell, 12
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tictac
Andrew, 9
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Armir, 9
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Kellie, 11
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Lauren, 9
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, 10
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, 13
Never try to baptize a cat.
Eileen, 8
 

givemfitz

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Below is a compilation of actual student bloopers collected by teachers
from 8th through 12th grades.

1) Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The
climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.

2) The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One
of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3) Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever
reached Canada.

4) Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5) The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female
moth.

6) Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
name.

7) Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8) In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java.

9) Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10) Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made
king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11) Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing
the fiddle to them.

12) Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

13) Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for
the same offense.

14) In mid-evil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also
wrote literature.

15) Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.

16) Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
"hurrah."

17) It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was
the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

18) The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and
Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be
laid by Juliet.

19) Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

20) During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many
people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was
responsible for all this.
 

givemfitz

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ME - "Hey Dylan......Spongebob is on"

DYLAN - "Spongebob if GAY <_< " :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

givemfitz

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Dylan went to WalMart with me this morning. We passed by a bunch of calendars and he wanted one so I told him to pick one out.
There were some with Kittys and some with Puppys and a Fish one and some seasonal outdoor portrait ones. Lots to choose from. :)
It took him 5 seconds to make up his mind.
We came home with a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar. :lol: :lol: :lol: Yes!!!!!! But I'ma get killed. :p
 

givemfitz

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I don't think his Dad could get away with that. :p ;)
 

andy

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I saw a five year old at Rite Aid say FUCK! :D :D The momma did nothing. Now THAT'S parenting
 

givemfitz

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Originally posted by leone@Aug 19 2005, 03:05 PM
Are you sure he's only three? :lol: :lol:
Yep. He's soooooo into the ladies though and not a shy bone in his body. :lol: And I don't mean little girls his age. He'll walk up to any woman he sees that he thinks is hot and introduce himself. He'll invite them home too. :lol: :lol: Starts laying down a list of all the toys he has and that they can have some of his capri sun or he'll share some candy with them.

What a pimp!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

givemfitz

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Originally posted by Sir_Garland@Aug 20 2005, 08:36 AM
That's sooooo adorable!!
I knowwwwwwww. ;) :D
I take him every chance I get and then I take him everywhere I go. :naughty: :shifty: :D

EDIT - I just remembered the episode of friends where Chandler and Joey take the baby out so they can meet hotties and they end up losing it on the bus. :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
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