Should I contact her? (advice needed)


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I've changed quite a bit from 7/1/2003 to 7/1/2004. The metamorphasis concerns mostly inner peace, self-esteem, confidence and possibly identity (I will post about this later). Anyway, here is my dilemna that I was hoping the ladies could specifically comment on.

Approximately 3 years ago, I dated a girl who is pretty much the only person I've "fallen in love with at first sight." And by fall in love, I obviously don't mean true love, but intense obsession/infatuation. This was largely based on physical traits as I contend she had a unqiue beauty about her that I've never found equal in another, but quickly extrapolated into personality, as she was an incredibly fun, caring, sweet, honest girl who filled me with nothing but warmth and positive energy. For the first few months we were together, life was in one word: perfect. I was on continuous cloud 9 with no intention of coming down.

But a form of strife developed between us, namely that she was very religious which is an ironic curse I cannot seem to escape. Anyway, the devout religious beliefs held her back in the physical intimacy department. She was in constant inner conflict about it, giving in and then beating herself up with guilt over the immorality of the acts.

Some people have told me that if you truly respect someone you can be "friends" without letting lack of physical intimacy affect you, but I call rubbish on that. When you desire something much more than a friend and when you've already gone down that path multiple times, to instantly cut it off and change the dynamics of the relationship, when one or both parties do not want it to change, is virtually impossible. This is basically what transpired. She backed off and said the likes of "I can't get into a serious relationship now" which was influenced by both her own mental state at the time and her religous piety.

To give a bit more about myself, I was a weak, needy, vulnerable boy who desired love, affection and attention beyond anything else. I didn't have the confidence or inner peace to break off the attachment and thus it caused a severe mismatch that lead to constant stress and fluctuations of volatility in my emotional state of mind. At this point, I did the only thing possible to end this rollercoaster of emotions. I cut her loose completely and severed all contact with her.

I never found out her reaction but I was incredibly honest in my exit speech, telling her basically what I've disclosed here. I know she highly valued my friendship and imagine she felt utterly betrayed and abandoned. She hung out with me more than anyone else in this city and I knew she really enjoyed my company. At that point, we were just on different emotional planes and only in the past year or so have I finally understood where she was at in life, a rather detached state I current reside in.

Anyway, to my present situation: My actions of abandonment have haunted my dreams for 3 years now. It's not continual but it rears its ugly head fairly regularly. The dreams saturate me with guilt and usually involve her in some kind of pain and anguish and releasing a deluge of this intense emotion onto me included with an endless stream of blame.

I want these dreams to stop and feel that the only way to prevent them is to contact her again and ask for her forgiveness. Maybe if i hear that she does not hold anything against me, it can release my subconscious pain and the blame I carry for what I perceive was a cowardly, pain inducing act.

So what do you think? Should I call her/email her? It's been exactly 2 years 8 months since I've spoken to her. I know that's a long time but her face still haunts my dreams and It scares the shit out of me. If you were in her situation, how would you feel about me contacting you? Thanks for any advice.
When I first met my husband, I outright dumped my then-fiancee. It was more complex than that of course but for years I felt guilty, worried about him, wondered where he was, if he was happy, etc. Then a few months ago I decided to just write to him, swallow my pride and apologize for what I'd done.

Not only did it make me feel so much better, resolving my guilt like that, but it helped him too because he was able to get his closure. We've been getting along great since then, friends without all that relationship bullshit we'd gone through in the past.

I didn't expect it to turn out that way though, and maybe it's because things don't always go that well. But if you want my opinion, I can only go from my experience, and my experience was a good one. I'm glad I contacted him.

I think you're right, it's probably impossible for people to be in a "couple" and not have sex. It's probably obvious from all my bitching that my own marriage is suffering dramatically from it.

But I think it IS possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex and not have sex.

So just figure out what you want from her. If you think you can be happy as just friends, catching up on the past, hanging out etc, then contact her. If you want more and you know she still isn't willing to give it, then stay away.

It'd never hurt to write to her though, just let her know you're alive, that you think about her, that you hope she's well and that you're sorry for any harm you did her. It would probably change her entire world for the better to know that she's still on your mind and that you still care.
To get my 2 cents in I don't think it's at all impossible to be a couple without having sex, but you have to respect each other's beliefs, and you have to be able to communicate well with each other. But for the most part I agree with Melissa. I think that if she's important to you, and if it's something you feel bad about, you should tell her how you feel. It's a tough thing, especially after so long, but I think it's the right thing to do.
Anthony you're assuming that both parties don't want to have sex. He's talking about relationships where intimacy is achieved and then for whatever reason taken away. It's a step backward and it's painful and confusing and a million other things.
Not always.. in some relationships the person who doesn't believe in it will obstain because they love the other. Of course it won't be exactly easy, but if the person's more important than their sex life, it can work. And even though sometimes the person who believes in it might give in, i think the other should have some understanding if they felt guilty about it. It might be confusing, but again, if the person really matters and you respect their beliefs, you can still have a really good relationship. It'll probably be difficult sometimes, but to say impossible is a bit of a stretch.
Again, you're describing things from the point of view of the person who does not want to have sex. He's not asking for you to tell him that he needs to respect her wishes. He obviously already did that.

And no. It is not possible to sustain a lasting, meaningful relationship when one person wants more and the other person is not willing to give it. I know on paper you think it's all well and good and that mutual respect will keep you together, but go ahead and try it and see how long it lasts.

And again, he's talking about a relationship where intimacy was already achieved and then removed. This girl wasn't doing it out of love for him, she was doing it because she felt guilty. He gave her everything and she in turn told him that their love was wrong and sinful and that she didn't want to be in a serious relationship. Try THAT and tell me how it's possible to stay together.

And for god's sake don't give me that shit about "if the person's more important than their sex life, it can work." When you've been in a deep committed relationship with someone and have shared every single part of your mind soul and body with that person, then YES, sex becomes very very important. You don't seem to realize that it's not just about getting off, if he just wanted to get off he coulda taken it into the bathroom and done his business. It's a level of intimacy that human beings NEED.
Intimacy can be more than physical intimacy. If that person wants more, I guess it's really up to them to decide whether it's worth it to respect their beliefs and to stay with the person out of love for them, or if their "NEED" of physical intimacy is more important. And if it isn't worth it, then you're right, it's not likely to work out.
And don't take it personally Melissa (not that you were), that's just what I believe
I'm not taking it personally, I'm irritated because all you did was repeat what I already said.

I also think that if someone has no authority to speak on a matter then they should keep their condescending remarks about all us godless sex addicts to themselves.
Originally posted by cultclassic+Nov 10 2006, 11:52 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (cultclassic @ Nov 10 2006, 11:52 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-a_iver@Nov 11 2006, 12:28 AM
if their "NEED" of physical intimacy
why the quotes, kemosabe? :unsure: [/b][/quote]
Because the type of physical intimacy that we're talking about isn't really a need, whether you believe obstaining or not. I'll admit it can be good for you, but i don't think it's necessary for every relationship.

Melissa, I'm sorry if you thought it was condescending. And although I'm sure you'd be the first one to speak out about censorship, I'm suprised as to why it's not ok for me to express my opinion, or why you think you're an authority on such relationships.
And I'm surprised that you are twisting my contempt for your ignorance into censorship. You don't have to have had sex to understand its importance. Read some Maslow or Freud why dontcha.

Quoting Wikipedia:

Love/Belonging needs
After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third layer of human needs is social. This involves emotionally-based relationships in general, such as:

sexual intimacy
having a supportive and communicative family
Humans generally need to feel belonging and acceptance, whether it comes from a large social group (clubs, office culture, religious groups, professional organizations, sports teams, gangs) or small social connections (family members, intimate partners, mentors, close colleagues, confidants). They need to love and be loved (sexually and non-sexually) by others. In the absence of these elements, many people become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety, and depression. A lack of love and belonging is also beginning to be associated with physical illnesses such as heart disease.

He's asking for advise about whether to contact a former lover that he still cares about. You are giving him crap about how he needs to respect her wishes to not have sex. Not only is it not what he's asking, but it's pretty rude of you to assume the role of Moral Authority when you can't even relate.
Originally posted by a_iver@Nov 11 2006, 12:21 AM
or why you think you're an authority on such relationships.
Are you fucking serious? Why am I the authority on the failure rate of sexless relationships?
Originally posted by dascoot+Nov 11 2006, 12:38 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (dascoot @ Nov 11 2006, 12:38 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-a_iver@Nov 11 2006, 12:21 AM
or why you think you're an authority on such relationships.
Are you fucking serious? Why am I the authority on the failure rate of sexless relationships? [/b][/quote]
Yeah. Check your inbox
I'm sorry a disagreement broke out. For the record, I totally agree with everything Dascoot has posted regarding physical/emotional intimacy and relationships.

A_river, I used to think just like you back in my late teens. As Dascoot mentioned, on paper what you believe seems logical but try to implement it in reality and I highly doubt you'll succeed. The key that Dascoot mentions is that we already started down an intense path of physical/emotional intimacy and dependence and then she wanted to back up and start all over again. Her level of dependence was not as great as mine, I believe her faith in Jesus and her church community gave her a strength that I lacked at the time, yet as I alluded to she still caved in at times in intense moments of passion, later calling herself "weak." It was obvious her longing for emotional/physical intimacy with me was still in place. I just think she was also a bit more "hardened" than me at the time. She went through a devastating break up with someone she assumed would be her future husband. I, at the time, was still pretty clean and hadn't suffered any battle scars yet. Whereas now, I can see how soul-lacerating break-ups can crush your ability to throw 100% of yourself at a person. It's normal to develop defense mechanisms to prevent repeats of the past.

Anyway, Logically, I can easily tell myself how to retrace our steps and simply be close, platonic friends but emotionally it's an entirely different world. Maybe you haven't gone through that kind of emotional relationship before. As Dascoot mentioned, you bare pretty much every essence of yourself to the person, basically you're in love with them and you can't just turn those emotions off and pretend they don't exist. Normal humans aren't wired that way.

I agree with you that if platonic context is established from the onset, then you can refrain from physical intimacy even if there is attraction, however this was not my case. We never started out as just friends and went straight down the path of a relationship. She later realized that wasn't the best move for her life and I believed no such thing for my life. If I wasn't so emotionally involved, I'd have loved to remain friends, but I knew taking into account my own mental sanity, it would have been impossible. If I remained close friends with her, it would be living in denial and constant repression which could potentially build up pressure and explode. That's no way to live. which is why I knew I had to remove myself from any type of contact with her. It was cowardly but the only solution I could see to the problem at the time.

I appreciate the input from both of you. Dascoot's positive outcome is encouraging and it's defintiely swayed me more to the side of at least writing to her. She's not the best e-mail person, so I might eventually chose to call instead, assuming her # hasn't changed. That will be a more difficult plan to actuate.
Don't think of yourself as a coward, your intentions were just as much in her best interests as they were in yours.

Good luck in making contact. :)