Chuck Norris part deux.

proof

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Some are repeats, some are not. I think. Anyway here is a few nice and neat in their one home.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck and Chuck Norris.

In the movie Back to the Future they used Chuck Norris' De Lorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.

Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.

Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world

Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.

Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.

Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".

Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the paralympics.

Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one of the Olsen triplets.

When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck Norris isn't afraid of small children.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas

A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.

Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term Virgin Mary he laughs out loud

It used to be called the Tower of Pisa until Chuck Norris decided to roundhouse kick the shit out of it

Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn't racist.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris never wears a condom for two reasons. One, they don't fit, and two, "Nobody tells Chuck Norris what to do!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

The real reason why Christopher Reeve ended up in a wheelchair was that Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the back for taunting him about not having any superpowers.

The first time Chuck Norris played poker, he went all in on the first hand. When the next guy folded his cards, Chuck Norris exploded his head instantly with a lightening fast roundhouse kick and walked away from the table saying, "No one folds on Chuck Norris." And to this day, he has won every single poker game.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks. (I guess even Chuck can be wrong sometimes.)

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't FUCK with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won. (See? He saw the error of his ways.)

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
 

dascoot

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Originally posted by michelle@Jan 17 2006, 11:04 AM
that's a whole lotta chuck norris. :blink: :lol:
Better not let Chuck see you say that. :ph34r:
 

Sir_Garland

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Originally posted by dascoot+Jan 17 2006, 04:06 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (dascoot @ Jan 17 2006, 04:06 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-michelle@Jan 17 2006, 11:04 AM
that's a whole lotta chuck norris. :blink: :lol:
Better not let Chuck see you say that. :ph34r: [/b][/quote]
It's too late... he already gave her the AIDS.. :ph34r:
 

givemfitz

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Originally posted by Sir_Garland+Jan 17 2006, 02:10 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Sir_Garland @ Jan 17 2006, 02:10 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>
Originally posted by dascoot@Jan 17 2006, 04:06 PM
<!--QuoteBegin-michelle
@Jan 17 2006, 11:04 AM
that's a whole lotta chuck norris. :blink:  :lol:

Better not let Chuck see you say that. :ph34r:
It's too late... he already gave her the AIDS.. :ph34r: [/b][/quote]
:huh: I've been away :unsure:
 

dascoot

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:lol: And he can cure it with his tears.. but he never cries. :mellow:
 

dascoot

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Hahah he just pointed at you and said "Booya!" and you got preggers.
 

givemfitz

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And not only did it not cry at birth..........it roundhouse kicked the Dr. into amnesia so that he forgot to mail you the bill.
 
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