Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

The aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of the pigpen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill the pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled beard. "Gee, Martha," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

 

[givemfitz]

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5'-4 (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

 

[givemfitz]

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing...

Ben sliced his ball deep into a wooded ravine.

He grabbed his 8-iron and proceeded down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

Ben searched diligently throughout the thick underbrush and suddenly spotted something shiny.

As he got closer, he realized that the shiny object was an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton laying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly called out to his golfing partner, "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."

Thomas came running over to the edge of the ravine and called out, "What's the matter Ben?"

Ben shouted back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

 

[givemfitz]

While handing a "25 Cents Off" coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed the clerk's hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed, so the woman said, "That's okay, it's in coupon heaven now."

"Coupon heaven?", the checker asked.

"Yes", the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die."

With a look of sadness on her face, the checker responded, "But only the redeemed ones!"

 

[givemfitz]

A Crime in Venice

A most unusual court case of attempted murder has captivated this historic city. A man, Nicolo Bruni, has been charged AND CONVICTED of attempted murder of his wife.

It seems he trained their talking bird to drive his wife to suicide. The bird would constantly repeat, "End it all" and "Life is not worth living".

The bird was brought in to court and "performed" for the judge.

After hearing the bird, the judge and jury convicted Nicolo.



















The bird was not convicted because it was a Minah.

 

[givemfitz]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

 

[givemfitz]

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.




















"Oh, no!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!"

 

[givemfitz]

One evening, while her husband is away on a business trip, the wife is at home having sex with her lover.

The headlights of a car pulling into the driveway startle her, and she looks out the window to see her husband getting out of a Taxi.

"Oh my god, it's my husband, he's home early!." She shrieks.

"What are we going do?" the lover asks nervously.

"Quick, follow me! Forget the clothes, there's no time!" She yells.

They both run out of the room completely naked, down the back stairs and into the kitchen. Frantically, the naked woman begins tearing through the cabinets, pulls out a big metal tin full of flour and shoves it into the naked man's arms.

"Here, sprinkle this all over yourself, then stand in the corner and don't move a muscle!"

The man shrugs his shoulders. Not having time to argue, he does as he's told.

A few moments later, the husband comes in and greets his nude wife in the kitchen. The two begin a heavy lovemaking session, during which the husband says, "What's with the statue?" pointing to the naked, flour covered man.

"Oh, uhh, I saw one just like it at the Smith's house down the street, and I thought one would look really good here," she responds nervously.

The husband thinks nothing more of it, and the two move into the living room where they continue their lovemaking.

A few hours later, when he is sure his wife is asleep, the husband gets up, and goes into the kitchen.

He opens the fridge, makes a sandwich, pours a glass of milk, then picks up both, walks up to the statue and says, "Here, eat this, I stood in the Smith house for two days, and not a single SOB even offered me a lousy glass of water."

 

[givemfitz]

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her "Pussy Cat".

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, the complainer said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."

My husband and my vet don't see eye-to-eye. He calls my husband El Cheap-O. My husband calls him El Take-O.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor, as my husband took a seat...

Just then, the door opened and in popped the vet who announced to my husband, "Your wife's Pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

 

[givemfitz]

A guy is walking down a street in Vegas, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first house of ill repute he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.

The guy goes to the next one but, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow job for 5 dollars!"

The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see."

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom.

The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."

Soon, a prostitute comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job.

Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away.

Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"

 

[dascoot]

Originally posted by givemfitz@Jul 23 2004, 04:36 AM
Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[givemfitz]

Yeahhhh. I try to avoid putting dirty jokes on this thread but every once in awhile I find one that just cracks me up and I can't resist. :devil:

 

[cookin_pot]

heres a lame one my friend told me....hope its clean enough


the 7 dwarves were in tub and they were all feeling happy


so happy got out.



(insert crappy rimshot here)

 

[givemfitz]

Q: What do you do with an elephant that has three balls?






A: Well unless the bases are loaded you walk him and pitch to the rhino.

 

[givemfitz]

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.

He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.

When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.

When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse.

Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

 

[givemfitz]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

 

[givemfitz]

A Form Letter for Mr. Wrong

Dear _______________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)

1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

10. ___You have a hairy back.

11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

14. ___You still live with your parents.

15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely, _________________________________

 

[givemfitz]

Woman's Compact Instruction Booklet!

1. Never do housework. No man ever loved a woman because the house was spotless.

2. Remember: you are known by the idiot you accompany.

3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

5. So many men - so many reasons not to date any of them.

6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.

7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

9 Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.

10. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

11. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

12. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

3. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

14. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

15. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

16. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

17. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

18. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

19. Sadly, all men are created equal.

20. When he asks you if he's your first date tell him it's possible because he looks familiar.

 

[givemfitz]

A store that sells husbands has just opened here in California where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 -These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 -These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 -You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day.

 

[givemfitz]

Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!


Friend,

When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, ...I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!

Postscript: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body ....