Advertising

Page 1 of 328 1 2 3 11 51 101 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 6 of 1967

Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #1
    Fukushima hybrid gopher givemfitz's Avatar
    Status
    Offline
    Joined
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Aquarium
    Posts
    12,806

    Default

    Sponsored Links

    Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

    The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

    The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

    The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

    The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

    "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

    The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

    The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."

    "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

    The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

    "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

    "What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

    "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

    "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

    "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."
    As I lay there gazing up at the billions of stars above my head in complete awe of creations beauty and vastness the most pressing question on my mind about the meaning of it all was, "Where in the hell is my roof?"

  2. #2
    Fukushima hybrid gopher givemfitz's Avatar
    Status
    Offline
    Joined
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Aquarium
    Posts
    12,806

    Default

    These are things people actually said in court, word for word:


    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.

    Q: And where was the location of the accident?
    A: Approximately milepost 499.
    Q: And where is milepost 499?
    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.

    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
    As I lay there gazing up at the billions of stars above my head in complete awe of creations beauty and vastness the most pressing question on my mind about the meaning of it all was, "Where in the hell is my roof?"

  3. #3
    Member Finchy's Avatar
    Status
    Offline
    Joined
    Oct 2003
    Posts
    135

    Default

    Three nuns had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
    St. Paul: What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?
    1st nun: Adam and Eve.
    The lights flashed, the bells rang, and in she went through the pearly gates.
    St. Paul: What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?
    2nd nun: An apple.
    The lights flashed, the bells rang, and in she went through the pearly gates. Finally, it came the turn of the last nun.
    St. Paul: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?
    3rd nun: (thinks for a moment) Gosh, that's a hard one!
    The lights flashed, the bells rang, and in she went through the pearly gates!

    Something that happened a couple of hours ago:
    My mom: Have you ever heard of "Call Girl Barbie"?
    Me: What?
    My mom: Call Girl Barbie.
    Me: *blank stare*
    My Mom: You know what a call girl is?
    Me: Well, yeah. Where'd you hear about it?
    My mom: It was in a Walgreens ad over there.
    Me: *flips through ad* What the...hey wait a sec, it says "Cali Girl".
    My mom: *rolls eyes* Your father thought it said "Call Girl". Honestly, his mind is stuck in the gutter.

    I was cracking up for about five minutes after that.

    And for the record, the doll was dressed in skimpy clothes and kinda looked like Paris Hilton, so you can probably see why he thought that way.

  4. #4
    Fukushima hybrid gopher givemfitz's Avatar
    Status
    Offline
    Joined
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Aquarium
    Posts
    12,806

    Default

    Airplane Problems and Solutions

    P = The problem logged by the pilot
    S = The solution by the maintenance engineers


    P - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S - Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
    S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

    P - Something loose in cockpit.
    S - Something tightened in cockpit.

    P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S - Evidence removed.

    P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S - Volume set to more believable level.

    P - Friction locks cause throttles to stick.
    S - That's what they're there for.

    P - IFF inoperative.
    S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P - Number 3 engine missing.
    S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P - Aircraft handles funny.
    S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten Up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."
    As I lay there gazing up at the billions of stars above my head in complete awe of creations beauty and vastness the most pressing question on my mind about the meaning of it all was, "Where in the hell is my roof?"

  5. #5
    expat dascoot's Avatar
    Status
    Offline
    Joined
    Feb 2003
    Location
    london, ontario
    Posts
    35,843

    Default

    You really like that one, dontcha boy?
    I reject your reality and substitute my own.

  6. #6
    expat dascoot's Avatar
    Status
    Offline
    Joined
    Feb 2003
    Location
    london, ontario
    Posts
    35,843

    Default

    I wish I could contribute but the only jokes I know are dirty ones.
    I reject your reality and substitute my own.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  • Forum Rules

Log in

User Name:
Password:
 
Not a member yet? Register Now!

Search Music

Search iTunes

Recent Threads

The Expanse
Last post by TheRandomOne
10-05-2019 11:47 PM
Disney+
Last post by HomerEBW
09-24-2019 08:40 AM