ActuarialMadness
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So it appears I've not made a good name for myself during my limited exposure to this message board. I imagine the majority of you find me arrogant, garrulous to the point of annoyance, haughty, full of conceit, etc. I assure you I am not without great faults and flaws. To humble myself before you, I will now post a verbose, stream of consciousness diatribe about my sorry, pathetic life. Feel free to shit on me and rip me apart.
I let the last 8 years of my life flash through my mind and stop in puzzlement as it becomes apparent that change has altered me to the point of forming near separate identities. Of course we will naturally mature as we age but I have turned into what I always despised. This change is not simply about growing up. It's becoming calloused, unemotional, uncaring and selfish.
I was in the crowded club starting to feel the intoxication flow through my body and I could not take my eyes off her. I had already ripped off her tight clingy tank top and perfect curve fitting jeans in my mind. I was already on top of her, engaged in passionate animalistic intercourse. Yet I had a girl with me already. And yet another one 5 miles away sulking in tears and fuming with rage. Now I have a girl on my couch asleep. A friend from HS who's always been a friend. One of the few exceptions to the rule. She brought her own pillow case which annoys me. I went home with the girl from the club and had my way with her but it was a fallback and my mind was elsewhere.
What is satisfaction? Is it getting what you want , but the very instant it's yours having it taken right away again? That perpetual state of longing, then relief, longing relief , repeated interminably. I used to be an arrogant bastard in that I believed I was above our stereotypes. I would never be that asshole who thinks with his dick and lets the objects enter and leave his life on a whim, but now I've become him. I am the average monster who you always seem to fall for.
It didn't have to be this way though. I could have made a choice but I let my greed and revolting desire to hoard pleasure from as many sources as possible drive my actions. I was in love once. Real, mushy, head over heels love. I was ready to give myself completely to someone. The thought of being with anyone else was like soaking my body in gasoline and throwing a match. I had everything I could ever want. Maybe it was an illusion and you can equate it to the innate immaturity associated with a 21 year old virgin, longing to replace the love, security and trust that was ripped out of his heart 3 years ago. No, you're wrong if that's what you think. I'm talking the kind of love that can never be replaced and is only from one person... I'll never be able to answer that question. All I know is how I've changed from that state. Whether or not the beginning was artificial is moot. I have caused people immense pain and for that I deserve punishment.
But is the pain I've caused and received part of being human. Is it natural and normal? I still believe I'm a good person at heart. Sometimes though self interest causes others pain and the internal conflict must shift to one side. I had 2 girlfriends but we'll call them one since they were essentially the same. Once they left me for God, I was broken for about 7 months. I still am broken but I've found ways to <unhealthily> replace what I've lost. Can't keep my eyes open anymore....thank to anyone who reads this. Feel free to laud or destroy me.
I let the last 8 years of my life flash through my mind and stop in puzzlement as it becomes apparent that change has altered me to the point of forming near separate identities. Of course we will naturally mature as we age but I have turned into what I always despised. This change is not simply about growing up. It's becoming calloused, unemotional, uncaring and selfish.
I was in the crowded club starting to feel the intoxication flow through my body and I could not take my eyes off her. I had already ripped off her tight clingy tank top and perfect curve fitting jeans in my mind. I was already on top of her, engaged in passionate animalistic intercourse. Yet I had a girl with me already. And yet another one 5 miles away sulking in tears and fuming with rage. Now I have a girl on my couch asleep. A friend from HS who's always been a friend. One of the few exceptions to the rule. She brought her own pillow case which annoys me. I went home with the girl from the club and had my way with her but it was a fallback and my mind was elsewhere.
What is satisfaction? Is it getting what you want , but the very instant it's yours having it taken right away again? That perpetual state of longing, then relief, longing relief , repeated interminably. I used to be an arrogant bastard in that I believed I was above our stereotypes. I would never be that asshole who thinks with his dick and lets the objects enter and leave his life on a whim, but now I've become him. I am the average monster who you always seem to fall for.
It didn't have to be this way though. I could have made a choice but I let my greed and revolting desire to hoard pleasure from as many sources as possible drive my actions. I was in love once. Real, mushy, head over heels love. I was ready to give myself completely to someone. The thought of being with anyone else was like soaking my body in gasoline and throwing a match. I had everything I could ever want. Maybe it was an illusion and you can equate it to the innate immaturity associated with a 21 year old virgin, longing to replace the love, security and trust that was ripped out of his heart 3 years ago. No, you're wrong if that's what you think. I'm talking the kind of love that can never be replaced and is only from one person... I'll never be able to answer that question. All I know is how I've changed from that state. Whether or not the beginning was artificial is moot. I have caused people immense pain and for that I deserve punishment.
But is the pain I've caused and received part of being human. Is it natural and normal? I still believe I'm a good person at heart. Sometimes though self interest causes others pain and the internal conflict must shift to one side. I had 2 girlfriends but we'll call them one since they were essentially the same. Once they left me for God, I was broken for about 7 months. I still am broken but I've found ways to <unhealthily> replace what I've lost. Can't keep my eyes open anymore....thank to anyone who reads this. Feel free to laud or destroy me.
