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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #13
    Fukushima hybrid gopher givemfitz's Avatar
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    It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!!
    As I lay there gazing up at the billions of stars above my head in complete awe of creations beauty and vastness the most pressing question on my mind about the meaning of it all was, "Where in the hell is my roof?"

  2. #14
    expat dascoot's Avatar
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    *snort* :lol:
    I reject your reality and substitute my own.

  3. #15
    Fukushima hybrid gopher givemfitz's Avatar
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    Ohhh ya liked that one didja cooter? Well here's another!

    From the Sydney Morning Herald in Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have it break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

    Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by.

    The mechanic required three stitches in his head.
    As I lay there gazing up at the billions of stars above my head in complete awe of creations beauty and vastness the most pressing question on my mind about the meaning of it all was, "Where in the hell is my roof?"

  4. #16
    Fukushima hybrid gopher givemfitz's Avatar
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    Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

    So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
    As I lay there gazing up at the billions of stars above my head in complete awe of creations beauty and vastness the most pressing question on my mind about the meaning of it all was, "Where in the hell is my roof?"

  5. #17
    Fukushima hybrid gopher givemfitz's Avatar
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    A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

    "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.

    She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."

    "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

    She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

    She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words!"

    She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

    "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
    As I lay there gazing up at the billions of stars above my head in complete awe of creations beauty and vastness the most pressing question on my mind about the meaning of it all was, "Where in the hell is my roof?"

  6. #18
    Fukushima hybrid gopher givemfitz's Avatar
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    A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

    He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

    At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

    He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

    Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a microwaved pizza or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

    He declines. "Naw, still not hungry."

    "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
    As I lay there gazing up at the billions of stars above my head in complete awe of creations beauty and vastness the most pressing question on my mind about the meaning of it all was, "Where in the hell is my roof?"

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